View Full Version : Jokes!

03-04-2007, 06:01 AM
One Joke per person post the joke and make us laff!

I start :p

Why do men in Scotland wear kilts?
Because sheep can hear a zipper a mile away.

I lol'ed :D

04-04-2007, 04:20 AM
1.Why did Madbadger cross the road?

To get home and get on the computer and post this silly joke thread.

1.How did gmoney375 come up with such a good joke?

He googled "funny jokes" (first one was "Madbadger crosses road!")

1.Whats the difference between a Harley and a Hoover?

The dirtbag goes in different places.

04-04-2007, 02:10 PM
Why destroy a perfectly good thread with crap american humour?

05-04-2007, 12:00 AM
A Sunday school teacher asked, "Johnny, do you think Noah did a lot of fishing when he was on the Ark?"
"No," replied Johnny. "How could he, with just two worms?"

05-04-2007, 01:53 AM
- Why do they call it PMS?

- Because Mad Cow Disease was already taken.

05-04-2007, 04:57 AM
A little boy walks into his parents room to see
his mom on top of his dad bouncing up and down.
The mom sees her son and quickly dismounts.

Worried about what her son has seen, she dresses
quickly and goes to find him.

The son sees his mom and asks' "What were you and
dad doing?"

The mother replies "Well ! you know your dad has a
big tummy and sometimes I have to get on top of it
to help flatten it."

"You're wasting your time." says the boy.

"Why is that?" asked his mom, puzzled?

"Well, when you go shopping the lady next door
comes over and gets on her knees and blows it right
back up."

08-04-2007, 09:12 PM
Mile-High Prank
Smart Ass

Passengers on a small commuter plane are waiting for the flight to leave.

The entrance opens, and two men walk up the aisle, dressed in pilots' uniforms--both are wearing dark glasses, one is using a seeing-eye dog, and the other is tapping his way up the aisle with a cane.

Nervous laughter spreads through the cabin; but the men enter the cockpit, the door closes, and the engines start up.

The passengers begin glancing nervously around, searching for some sign that this just a little practical joke.

None is forthcoming.

The plane moves faster and faster down the runway, and people at the windows realize that they're headed straight for the water at the edge of the airport territory.

As it begins to look as though the plane will never take off, that it will plow into the water, panicked screams fill the cabin--but at that moment, the plane lifts smoothly into the air.

The passengers relax and laugh a little sheepishly, and soon they have all retreated into their magazines, secure in the knowledge that the plane is in good hands.

Up in the cockpit, the copilot turns to the pilot and says, "You know, Bob, one of these days, they're going to scream too late, and we're all gonna die.

11-04-2007, 08:01 AM
hahaha... Nice one! :p

A local United Way office realized that the organization had never received a donation from the town's most successful lawyer. The person in charge of contributions called him to persuade him to contribute.

"Our research shows that out of a yearly income of at least $500,000, you give not a penny to charity. Wouldn't you like to give back to the community in some way?"

The lawyer mulled this over for a moment and replied, "First, did your research also show that my mother is dying after a long illness, and has medical bills that are several times her annual income?"

Embarrassed, the United Way rep mumbled, "Um ... no."

The lawyer interrupts, "or that my brother, a disabled veteran, is blind and confined to a wheelchair?"

The stricken United Way rep began to stammer out an apology, but was interrupted again.

"or that my sister's husband died in a traffic accident," the lawyer's voice rising in indignation, "leaving her penniless with three children?!"

The humiliated United Way rep, completely beaten, said simply, "I had no idea..."

On a roll, the lawyer cut him off once again, "So if I don't give any money to them, why should I give any to you?"

11-04-2007, 09:40 AM
Heheheh. Here is a great letter from MIT to a prospective student and that student's response.

Mr. John T. Mongan
123 Main Street
Smalltown, California 94123-4567

Dear John:

You've got the grades. You've certainly got the PSAT scores. And now you've got a letter from MIT. Maybe you're surprised. Most students would be.

But you're not most students. And that's exactly why I urge you to consider carefully one of the most selective universities in America.

The level of potential reflected in your performance is a powerful indicator that you might well be an excellent candidate for MIT. It certainly got my attention!

Engineering's not for you? No problem. It may surprise you to learn we offer more than 40 major fields of study, from architecture to brain and cognitive sciences, from economics (perhaps the best program in the country) to writing.

What? Of course, you don't want to be bored. Who does? Life here *is* tough *and* demanding, but it's also *fun*. MIT students are imaginative and creative - inside and outside the classroom.

You're interested in athletics? Great! MIT has more varsity teams - 39 - than almost any other university, and a tremendous intramural program so everybody can participate.

You think we're too expensive? Don't be too sure. We've got surprises for you there, too.

Why not send the enclosed Information Request to find out more about this unique institution? Why not do it right now?


Michael C. Benhke
Director of Admissions

P.S. If you'd like a copy of a fun-filled, fact-filled brochure, "Insight," just check the appropriate box on the form.

May 5, 1994

Michael C. Behnke
MIT Director of Admissions
Office of Admissions, Room 3-108
Cambridge MA 02139-4307

Dear Michael:

You've got the reputation. You've certainly got the pomposity. And now you've got a letter from John Mongan. Maybe you're surprised. Most universities would be.

But you're not most universities. And that's exactly why I urge you to carefully consider one of the most selective students in America, so selective that he will choose only *one* of the thousands of accredited universities in the country.

The level of pomposity and lack of tact reflected in your letter is a powerful indicator that your august institution might well be a possibility for John Mongan's future education. It certainly got my attention!

Don't want Bio-Chem students? No problem. It may surprise you to learn that my interests cover over 400 fields of study, from semantics to limnology, from object-oriented programming (perhaps one of the youngest professionals in the country) to classical piano.

What? Of course you don't want egotistical jerks. Who does? I *am* self-indulgent *and* over confident, but I'm also amusing. John Mongan is funny and amusing - whether you're laughing with him or at him.

You're interested in athletes? Great! John Mongan has played more sports - 47 - than almost any other student, including oddball favorites such as Orienteering.

You think I can pay for your school? Don't be too sure. I've got surprises for you there, too.

Why not send a guaranteed admission and full scholarship to increase your chance of being selected by John Mongan? Why not do it right now?

John Mongan

P.S. If you'd like a copy of a fun-filled, fact-filled brochure, "John Mongan: What a Guy!" just ask.

11-04-2007, 11:48 AM
lol.. That isn't real is it? :p lol. :p

26-06-2007, 03:50 PM
For once a video on YouTube that is genuinely funny, Rejected Wii Play Game Concepts: http://uk.youtube.com/watch?v=vnsfcB1m3lk

27-06-2007, 01:29 AM
lol... Some of those were great. :p They should really have made some of those into games. :p


Chinese guy: Hey, now that you're here we can go to Sylvia's in Harlem and get some soul food.
Black guy: What do you mean, "now that I'm here"? What, you can't go to Harlem by yourself, but now that you've got your token black you're safe? That's ****ed up.
Chinese guy: Let me ask you something: would you go to Harlem alone at night?
Black guy: OK, that's not the point.

27-06-2007, 03:12 PM
Damned YouTube... was on there for nearly an hour watching crap...

Anyhoo funny :p

08-07-2007, 02:00 AM
What begins with an 'e', ends with an 'e' and has only one letter in it?

Scroll down for answer.

An envelope.

08-07-2007, 09:27 AM
Boo, that's poor.

What do you call a double-jointed cripple in a wheelchair?

A Transformer

08-07-2007, 07:10 PM
ahahahahahahahaha =D

23-07-2007, 12:48 PM
Working people frequently ask retired people what they do to make their days interesting.
Well for example, the other day my wife and I went into town and went into a shop. We were only in here for about 5 minutes.
When we came out, there was a cop writing out a parking ticket.
We went up to him and said, "Come on man, how about giving a senior citizen a break?"
He ignored us and continued writing the ticket.
I called him a Nazi turd.
He glared at me and started writing another ticket for having worn tires.
So my wife called him a ****head.
He finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first.
Then he started writing a third ticket.
This went on for about 20 minutes.
The more we abused him, the more tickets he wrote.
Personally, we didn't care.
We came into town by bus.

We try to have a little fun each day now that we're retired. It's important at our age.

09-12-2009, 03:28 PM
I like my women as I like my coffee.

Strong and black.